Hot D mn
by professor stampede
Summary: After the television series, Legato is back for some strange reason and he is after Vash in an even more evil fashion! Meanwhile, Knives is addicted to adult magazines... The classic, now with decent grammar!


Life progressed smoothly after Vash's defeat of Knives. Knives had survived after the battle, and, furthermore, had pulled through his injuries. Even so, the names 'Vash the Stampede' and 'Knives' continued to strike fear into the hearts of those who lived on Planet Gunsmoke. So, both brothers agreed to live in a small cottage in the middle of the desert. They were supported by Meryl Strife and Millie Thompson, who agreed to visit them and housekeep over the weekends when they were off from work.

Of course, to the insurance girls, 'housekeeping' meant slave-driving poor Mr. Vash to do everything for them while they spoiled themselves in their nice little resort, and the fully healed Knives read porno magazines, claiming that they helped his wounds that he didn't have. In this instance, they sent Vash out to pick up fast food from the nearest restaurant, which was five miles into the desert, and the only car Vash could use was a topless jalopy with no air conditioning. Not to mention that the cottage was so far out into the desert, that there were no roads leading to it, so the best that Vash could do was guess which direction to drive. After an hour of aimless driving in circles, Vash's navigation skills finally paid off, as he came to a small, run-down shopping center, built much in the tradition of old west buildings (a bad thing, by the way, because it looked as if any of the buildings could cave in at any moment and fall on top of the car).

He pulled into what he remembered to be a Henry's Burgers outlet, though he couldn't entirely tell, as the wooden building had been painted black everywhere, including over any form of sign that might identify the building's purpose. However, there was some distinctive, red lettering that read 'Drive-Thru' painted on the side, pointing to a lone window. Vash drove up to it, where a lone man with many pimples waited.

"Welcome to Evil MacBurger's, give me your damned order," he said with a nasally voice.

Vash drew back in puzzlement. "That wasn't very nice!" Vash replied. "And didn't this place used to be called 'Henry's Burgers'? I'm not sure I want to order something from a place called 'Evil MacBurgers'." The nerdy man simply glared at him. Vash continued, "Well, what do you have here, anyway?"

"We are currently serving our signature Evil Burger with human blood ketchup, spaghetti and human eyeballs, and our popular human intestines MacNuggets."

Vash recoiled in horror. "You... cannot be serious!"

The man nodded, "What is there not to be serious about, you dumbfuck?"

Vash narrowed his eyes. Never before had he seen something this horrible, this gruesome, or not since he accidentally stumbled across Knives in the shower, anyway. "I demand to see your manager this instant!" Vash demanded.

"You are not worthy of the master," the man screeched. "Now give us money or I'll shoot your ass so hard that..."

"Schneider, you are being loud," a dark, sinister voice came from a room behind the one in which the man was standing. "You must realize that there is nothing in the world I loathe more than the infernal talking of beings as low as you." The back door slowly opened and in stepped a man clad in a white coat, with white pants, a black shirt, and a foreboding skull placed strategically on one shoulder...

Legato.

The eyes of Vash and Legato met. They stared at one another, shocked. Neither could believe what they were seeing. Schneider glared at both of them, not knowing what to make of their deep concentration.

Vash was the first to erupt. "My God, I have never been so glad to see anybody in my life!" Vash exclaimed. "I cannot believe that you are still alive! How did you survive? Did you know how much grieving you had caused me?" Vash nearly erupted into tears. "Come give me a hug!"

Legato grinned (though still looking evil while he grinned), and crept out and down from the window that separated them, kneeling on the road before Vash. "It is quite the coincidence to have caught you at this time and place, Vash the Stampede," Legato droned. "To summarize my response to your questions, I survived due to the fact that you had only shot a metal plate I had installed in my head that allowed me to control the minds of living organisms. It is no longer operational, as you may notice. Note how I am talking with my human vocal chords and not through telepathy. The gunshot had left me unconscious, however. Any red substance you may have presumed to be blood was merely the light against a puddle in which I had landed. I mean, look at a screencap from the anime, at the point where I'm supposedly dead. You'll notice how I do not have a hole through my head."

Vash was overcome with joy, nodding his head quickly up and down. "But I thought that my arm gave you your powers."

"Your arm is a good explanation in the manga, but this is the anime we're in now. Question not the creative liberties granted to those who create adaptations. I mean, come now. Wolfwood's fate is completely different in the manga."

"Well, okay. But why did you decide to become a manager of a fast food restaurant?"

"I had originally been in it for the hotdogs, but I found I was eating all of them myself, so we switched to hamburgers. But that is irrelevant, Vash the Stampede. I have been waiting to tell you this ever since I regained consciousness. I have always known that there was one true superior being in the universe to reign over all inferior humans. I had originally assumed it to be your brother Knives, but with your defeat and taming of him, I realize that the ultimate being is he who I had so ruthlessly and regretfully hunted. It is you, Vash the Stampede. I shall now honor you to the day I die. Please, master, give me a sacred word or phrase for me to cherish."

This much Vash wasn't expecting. He was confused, so he replied, "Wait... What the fuck?"

"What the fuck," Legato repeated. "I shall honor these sacred words..."

Vash quickly interrupted, "Wait, no, I meant 'love and peace'! Honor..."

Legato raised his voice, "and say them in prayer to exalt of the greatest life form in the universe." Vash groaned, and Legato slowly stood. "Now, I am sorry to have inconvenienced you in any way, master. I believe you wanted something to eat."

Vash waved his hand up and down at Legato. "No, I think I'll be alright for now, thank you."

"What the fuck, master," Legato replied solemnly, bowing his head. Then, Legato climbed into the passenger seat of Vash's car without opening the door.

"Oh, wow, you're coming with me!" Vash said, startled. Legato nodded. "But what about your fast food restaurant? Don't you want to tend to it?" Legato simply shook head 'no'. Vash sighed, knowing that it wouldn't be easy to get a decent conversation out of him, much less convince him that plants are indeed not superior to humans. So, he started the engine back up, put the car in gear, and drove off in the general direction from which he came.

But even as they drove, it bothered Vash that Legato was doing nothing but staring blankly out into the desert. "Um... Legato?" he prodded.

Legato continued to stare into the desert, but still responded, "What the fuck, my master."

Vash sighed briefly. Those 'sacred words' were already getting tedious. "Look, Legato, as long as you still believe that I am your master and all, that means that you have to follow my every command, right?"

Still staring, "Yes."

"Alright then," Vash said. Perhaps he'd be able to use this whole 'master' thing to his advantage, perhaps society could even benefit from it... "My first order is to respect human life and never kill anything for as long as you live. Take a more kind, humane approach to things. In fact, why don't you be as kind and gentle to all things as you possibly can?"

Still staring, Legato nodded and replied with a simple, "Yes. I will do so, master."

Vash smiled in victory "_Yes_," he thought. "_My life has been a complete success. I have never killed anyone, and I have tamed everyone I know into not killing anyone._" He grinned like a Cheshire cat. "_I have saved humanity_."

After a few navigational tips from Legato, they were able to make it back to the cabin in record time. Legato hopped out of the car without using the door again, and ran over to Vash's car door, chauffeuring him out. Although he knew it was wrong that Legato was acting inferior, Vash took this as a kindly gesture and smiled at the overly-serious Legato. They walked up to the door, with Vash in front, and Legato making sure to stay in back, and also ducking his head to ensure that it was no higher than Vash the Stampede's. Once they reached the door, however, Legato hopped in front, opening the door and gesturing for Vash to lead the way in. Vash did so, but he nearly jumped back as he found himself face-to-face with an underwear-clad Knives.

Knives smiled evilly. "Haha! I scared you, did I Vash?" Vash looked back and noticed that Legato was still behind the door in such a way that Knives couldn't see him. Knives's smile soon turned back into a straight face. "Now where's the damned food?" Knives put his arm around Vash and led him inside. Realizing that Vash was now safely in the house, Legato followed behind him and shut the door. "I thought you said you were..." Knives looked up and turned around, facing Legato. The two stared at each other for a moment, stunned to see each other. Well, Knives anyway, Legato had been expecting him, and was not in the least bit astonished by him.

Legato broke the silence by saying, "Hello, Knives, my previous master. I have figured that while you are inferior to Vash, you are still a superior being and I am not worthy of..."

Knives interrupted him by cackling, "Le... Legato? You're alive?" This whole event had obviously really surprised the boxer-clad plant, as his boxers then fell to the floor. All at once, Vash turned around and threw up, Legato yelled, "My unholy eyes! I'm not worthy!" and Knives quickly hiked them back up to his waist.

Vash soon got the color back in his cheeks, and turned, wincing, to Knives. "You know what, Knives? I think it would be best if you let Legato and I talk things over alone. You see, it appears that the things you had originally taught him are still a part of his philosophy, and it would be best if I could teach him otherwise without you still being here."

"Shut up, Vash," Knives said without even looking at him. Knives then walked up to Legato. "So, Legato, how exactly did you say that you were able to..."

Surprisingly, Legato threw his arm back and forth with great force, nailing Knives in the stomach with his enclosed fist. Knives lost all wind, and, clutching his bare stomach, fell to the floor. Legato slowly kneeled, and droned, "I am sorry to have done that, Knives, but our lord and master has requested an absence of your presence."

"Legato!" Vash cried. "That was mean! You said that you agreed to take a much more humane and nonviolent approach to things!"

Knives stumbled out of the room and back to his own bedroom, while Legato replied, "What the fuck, master. I will now proceed in the most humane action of which I know."

"See?" Vash pointed out. "That is what I'm talking about. Please proceed in this humane act."

Legato slipped off his overcoat, then threw it to the ground. Vash stared at him, confused. "Um, Legato? What are you doing?"

"The most humane action of which I know," he noted. "I believe you know of it as 'sex'."

Vash jumped back. "Um, nonono, Legato. That isn't what I meant."

Legato seemingly ignored this, very quickly stripping down to his briefs. Vash moaned, "Oh, this isn't right, I'm a straight plant..." Then, as soon as Legato grabbed hold of his underpants, Vash screamed, "NO! Stop! I shouldn't be in this situation. In fact, I'm going to find Meryl, and kiss her. Right now!"

Vash ran down the cabin hallway, to the back of the hallway where the girls' quarters are. The door was closed and locked, so Vash knocked loudly on the door. "Meryl! I need you right now!" There wasn't a response at first. Vash could hear Legato start walking his direction. He didn't dare look back. "Meryl, please come! I'm desperate!"

"Alright, alright, hold your horses," he could hear Meryl from inside the room. "One second." More like thirty seconds later, the door opened, and Vash, without hesitation, leaned in and kissed...

Millie. All stunned at what had just happened, Vash, Millie, and Meryl (who was back in the room but still saw this) all stood wide-eyed, and Vash and Millie quickly separated, both stumbling back a few feet. Millie, with a rather disturbed expression on her face, said to Vash, "It's good to see you too, Mr. Vash." She glanced behind Vash and pointed. "Um... Mr. Vash? What is a naked man doing in our hallway?" Vash slapped his forehead, trying to come up with a quick explanation, but Legato was the first to answer.

"My name is Legato. You may remember me, as I had briefly tortured you two before, Meryl Strife and Millie Thompson. Vash and I are having sex."

Vash wildly pointed a finger at Legato. "He's lying! See? I'm straight!" Vash ran past Millie to Meryl, and attempted to kiss her, but Meryl held him back.

Meryl winced, "Sorry, Vash, but I'm not sure I'm comfortable with any romance between us any longer."

Vash whipped around to curse at Legato, but then he remembered that Legato was nude, so he turned back around to face the opposite direction. "Legato!" Vash announced. "While you are still considering me your master, I order you to go away from here, and live your life as a normal person, never killing or randomly deciding to have sex with anybody again."

Well enough, Legato agreed, "Very well, master. I will go out in society to act as a regular human, and live by the sacred words of 'What the Fuck'."

Vash quickly corrected him, "No, not the last part!"

Legato nodded, and strolled out of the hallway, and out of the house.

Vash let out a sigh of relief. "Well, that takes care of that! Wait 'til you girls hear about all that had just happened to me! I'll tell you about it over lunch; you know it was funny that..."

"Vash?" Meryl interrupted. "Do you know that you just sent Legato out walking naked in the middle of the desert?"

Vash gasped. "I did?" He ran up to the window, peered out, and, sure enough, there was a purple-haired naked man stumbling about in the desert.

"Don't worry," Millie comforted Vash, "He'll be okay." This comment made Vash feel better, as he then nodded and smiled.

Meryl then leaned over and whispered to Millie, "Actually, I doubt that, Millie."

Millie whispered back, "Me too." They both chuckled.

Vash turned back to the girls. "Well, I guess there is something we can all learn from this experience, and that is that you should always clarify what you mean."

Knives called from his room, "Vash? Can I come out yet? Oh, come on, my favorite Playboy special is playing on television!"

"Oh, fine Knives, you can come," said Vash.

"Wow, really? Even on your stuff? Thanks a bunch, bro!" Knives exclaimed.

Vash recollected what he had just taught himself. "No, I mean that you can exit your room."

"Damn! No loophole!" Knives cursed.

Kuro Neko popped out of nowhere and said, "Nya."


End file.
